PAX Centurion - November / December 2013

www.bppa.org PAX CENTURION • November/December 2013 • Page 25 On a recent trip to Florida, I saw a Chick-fil-A and decided to try the cuisine. I figured any place that could piss off Mumbles deserved a shot. The doors were locked – apparently those religious zealots close on Sundays. I managed to get by later in the week and was so mad they were “Banned in Boston.” Funny, the owner expressed an opinion on gay mar- riage and was prohibited from opening in Boston, but the city provided land for a mosque. Correct me if I’m wrong but Islam’s view on homo- sexuality is quite harsher than just not allowing gays to wed, isn’t it? H H H H H H H H H H Also seen in Florida, a cop on detail with a lounge chair, umbrella for shade, and a cooler of water, who managed to perform his duties without a hitch! Imagine the outcry here? H H H H H H H H H H Florida also indulgences in the Banned in Mass. tradition of “Happy Hour.” Those of you of an age can remember discounted drinks, and scheduling your night around these bargain buzzes. H H H H H H H H H H More from Florida – I went to Hooters (just for the wings of course) and couldn’t help but notice the table of Muslims, close by. The smell of irony completely masked the fried chicken, as the wives sat quietly in their hijabs while the nearly naked waitresses served the table. H H H H H H H H H H Another Florida staple I “visited” was Krispy Kreme (DAMNYOU! Dunkies) .You can actually hear yourself getting fatter just from the aroma, but you can’t stop eating those doughnuts! I’m convinced there is crack in the glaze. H H H H H H H H H H Brookline has banned plastic bags and Styrofoam cups in favor of paper goods. With that many empty brown bags lying around look for more ugly people having sex… H H H H H H H H H H It must be an Italian thing but we (Italians) constantly think about food. We’ve no sooner finished breakfast, and then we start thinking about dinner. I’d like to say I think about other things as often, but it’s easier to open the fridge! H H H H H H H H H H A cop in Tennessee was fired after shooting a squirrel that wandered in to a dollar store – terrifying the customers and employees. He followed procedures regarding escalation of force after his OC spray failed to stop the rampaging rodent, but the Officer was terminated for wasting food. H H H H H H H H H H Darius Rucker has found success with his venture into country music, but does anyone know what he did with the Blowfish? File under: “I give a hootie!” H H H H H H H H H H Gentlemen, I’ve been criticized for making what some may call chau- vinistic comments, so to show I’m not biased, I implore my fellow males to refrain from wearing short shorts. Despite however many hours you spend in the gym no one wants to see you in your “DAISY DUDES!” H H H H H H H H H H My next door neighbor refers to my wife as “madam”, strangely enough, I do too. I call her “my damn wife”… H H H H H H H H H H Although they still use champagne to celebrate big wins, baseball players now spray the bubbly while wearing riot helmets and ski goggles. And the pansification of America continues. H H H H H H H H H H I recently dropped my party affiliation with the election department. I am now un-enrolled. “Un-enrolled?” They make it seem like I’m missing something. H H H H H H H H H H A North Dakota woman handed out notes to chubby kids on Hallow- een instead of candy. The note expressed her opinion that because the kid was overweight, she felt they should not get candy. I wonder how long it took for her to get the TP off her trees and clean the eggs off her house. Just shut your lights out next year, you hag! H H H H H H H H H H President Obama used the NSA to spy on Germany’s President An- gela Merkel. He wanted to know what the world’s most powerful woman was up to. Now Oprah AND Michelle aren’t talking to him! H H H H H H H H H H A truck carrying radioactive material was hijacked in Mexico. The semi was recovered with all the contents accounted for, but one of the containers had opened, contaminating the truck. Authorities are looking for the driver, fearing he could die from radiation sickness. He should be easy to spot; he’ll be the guy glowing… H H H H H H H H H H With all the forced overtime to provide security when the local teams hit the playoffs, you’ll be hard-pressed to find any fans of the Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox or Celtics among the rank and file of the BPD. H H H H H H H H H H I worked Halloween for the first time in several years. I was amazed at the skimpy costumes sported by the local girls. Sexy nurse, sexy schoolgirl, sexy cheerleader, etc. I even saw a sexy Muslim – her burkha showed her ankles. H H H H H H H H H H After making a nasty comment regarding former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, MSNBC host Martin Bashir found himself in hot water. He even- tually resigned. Looks like Marty’s in the $#!+ now. I guess eating crow will have to suffice in this case. H H H H H H H H H H Funny, Mitt Romney hasn’t been Governor in MA for several years, YET the state’s healthcare system is still referred to as “Romneycare.” BUT after his signature legislation and Presidential legacy “Obam- acare” has proved to be a bust – it’s now being called “Affordable Care Act.” Sorry Mr. President, this is your bill – OWN IT! H H H H H H H H H H The Sriracha Hot Sauce plant in Irwindale, CA has been temporarily shut down after residents complained the peppery odor was causing re- spiratory problems in the neighborhood. Many homeowners were duped by the Real Estate agents claims the area was HOT HOT HOT! H H H H H H H H H H Have you ever noticed how sad most Christmas decorations look during daylight hours? The snowmen are dingy, the deflated Santa looks like trash, and the strings of lights look like cobwebs. BUT plug ‘em in at night and they become the Christmas miracle. H H H H H H H H H H While I won’t call myself “devout” I have been attending church lately. I’m having difficulty following along since they’ve changed the wording to some of the prayers. The good Sisters of Notre Dame spent long hours beating the catechism into me. The lessons were so strong I’m looking around for Sister Henrietta and her ruler when I say the new words. #Amen! H H H H H H H H H H At this time of year, I’d like to thank you for your support, and hope you continue to enjoy my offerings. On behalf of myself and my family I would like to extend the blessings of the season with a hearty “Merry Christmas” and sincere wishes for a “Happy, Healthy and Prosperous NewYear” Stay safe, and have fun!